A day I'll never forget -11/12/2007

My mother with her wig after losing her hair to cancer

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my mothers death... 11/12/2007 at 1:05pm my mother, passed away holding my husbands hand from a stroke. Till this day, I still believe that it is my fault for what had happened. October 3,2007 I had jury duty at the court in Danbury  ct. I left 5 month old son home with my mom and dad and on my way to a long boring day of sitting in the court. Around 10am, I saw a friend of mine standing in the hallway of the courthouse. They came in and told me someone was here to see me with a very important message. I walked out into the hallway and was welcomed by the embrace of a best friend and he said to me that my mother had a stroke and was on the way to Danbury hospital. He said my dad had tried calling and no one would put him through to me for a family emergency. I ran back into the meeting room and told the person in charge I was leaving due to my mother being in the hospital with a stroke. I've never driven so fast to the hospital, on my way there, I immediately called my now husband, crying my eyes out, feeling guilty that I put to much stress on her and that it was all my fault. Earlier that year, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was under going chemo therapy and everyone kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, it was gods way of telling her that the cancer was bad and it wouldn't have been a good outcome. 

Anyway, I got to the hospital, there is my dad with my aunt and my 5 month old, standing in the parking lot waiting for my arrival... I had no idea what to do with my 5 month old. I called everyone, I wanted to be at that hospital till every last breath she took. My ex friend Brittany had said that she would take him and not to rush, as long as I had everything packed for him. I put him in the car, and drove him over to her house where her parents and her waited for me at the door.

I got back to the hospital and I was lifeless. I didn't know how to react to what I saw laying in the hospital bed in front of me. All I could do was hold her hand and talk to her in between all the tears that were running down my face. She couldn't speak, but she knew I was there and kept looking at me and nodding her head. We all knew she wasn't going to be coming home anytime soon, but just watching her nod her head to things we were saying to her, made everything a lot better. 

So in the next months time, she progressively got worse. Every day it was a new obstacle. At one point, she was very sociable. She was getting better it had seemed. She held Michael and played with him and smiled at him like no one has ever seen her do. Sitting on that hospital bed, were the 2 of the most important people in my life. 

My mom and Michael 10/28/07

It then was brought to my attention that she would indeed be coming home. Even though it was a short visit, she came home on 11/3/07. We had cleared everything out of the house. We could have nothing in the living area where the hospital bed and nurses would be. She was only home for a short 3 days before we had to call the ambulance to bring her back to the hospital. She wasn't responding as well as she was when she was there. We found out that the cancer was eating away at everything in her stomach and she was no longer eating through her feeding tube. Saddest day ever to learn that news. It was then, we all knew her days were numbered. The final days are always the hardest. They had a pastor come in a few days before she passed to read her, her final rights as they say. 11/12/07 came and I had this gut feeling that it was going to be a bad day. I didn't go to work. I called in sick and went to the hospital. My now husband Rob, my 5 month old, and myself along with tons of family and a few select close friends, all reunited at the hospital. Some in the room with her, some in the waiting room next to her room where Michael seemed to be the center of attention so that I could bounce back and forth between the 2 rooms. In and out, back and forth, every smoke break, my stomach kept getting tighter and tighter. I finally decided that I needed a break and some food. I went down stairs got something to eat, came back up and went in to her room. My husband was by her side holding her hand. My dad on the other and all of us surrounding her. The second I touched her hand and told her I was back, she took a few last horrible sounding breaths, and she was gone... right in front of me.. WORST. FEELING. EVER. She was waiting for me to return to say good-bye....

 I'll never forget all the memories and times and even at her funeral. My 2 cousins, Zack and Cody, never came to the hospital to see her because they were so close with her. My aunt literally made them come to at least say good-bye. My oldest cousin, Zack, actually wanted to carry her casket at the funeral which broke my heart even more...

Now its been 5 years, and I still cry like a baby every chance I can.. Like right now... It took some courage but I wrote this thing and didn't start crying till the end of it.... Thanks for reading...

The 2 most important people in my life... Mom and Dad <3